I cannot provide a reason for some of the things that I have done and still do.I can explain that some of it was loneliness,a need for control e.t.c but I do not have any “real reasons”. I had a fine childhood,there were some things which made me hate myself or made me have a lot of anxiety but it was never anything Major.
Maybe it is attention seeking.I don’t mean it to be.I didn’t want people’s attention when I had an ED.Its quite the opposite,you want to be left alone.Its the same with self harm I DONT want people to know.I would never do it on my arms anymore as I do not want people to see it as attention seeking.
A couple days ago I self harmed due to being low and anxious.My mum noticed today as I was wearing running shorts and some of it showed. She got really angry at me saying I have no reason to do it and wait till I tell your dad.I am terrified of what my dad will say.
I know I have no legitimate reason but in the moment I just reach for a razor and feel in control.
I don’t know how to explain it to her.I have to hide things from my parents or they get so pissed off.Like when I had an eating disorder and there were so so many arguments and It literally broke my heart when my dad said things like “you’ll kill your mum if you carry on like that” and stuff like that because at the time I was so deep in the eating disorder I just couldn’t snap out of it.Even when I did get better there were comments like “it won’t make a difference as you’ll still be a horrible person on the inside” Since recovering our relationship is pretty good but I always worry about what would happen if things went downhill again.I have forgiven my dad for things he said to me.I hope he can forgive me for having an ED.
I just wish they could not know about anything.It would have been so much easier.
I have been trying so hard to get my life back on track and be “normal” and not a drain or burden on them.Yet it seems that if I fix one thing such as the eating disorder I will still screw up in another way.
Don’t get me wrong I love life so much,I am positive and happy most of the time.So I don’t know how to make this right.How to justify my past,scars and present.