Sometimes I wish I could go back into free fall with the eating disorder and not fight against the thoughts.Maybe sometimes that would feel easier.But I know it would make my life hell.It would be miserable and sad for those around me.Theres no positive outcome of a relapse.Its recovery or getting sicker.
I caught a flu a few days ago and felt like utter shit,ended up triggering purging which I found it hard to snap out of again.But I did break the cycle only to wake up tonight with my stomach gurgling and nausea,I am praying,praying it is not food poisoning.Normally at home I wouldn’t panic so much but being abroard and away from everything familiar can be scary.Its exciting to travel and has so far been one of the best months of my life but it hasn’t been without its challenges.
Rebelling against your head can make you feel worse at times,filled with self doubt but know that you are doing the right thing.Turn to others,open up.I did and it has been a tremendous help the past few days in pushing through.
Whenever I open up to people I really want to highlight that recovery from an eating disorder is not just recovery from being thin.Its recovery to gain weight and get physically healthy but then you recover to live,to thrive and to stay healthy.At times I feel completely fine for weeks and then something like getting ill sets me off and I start to doubt whether full recovery is possible or whether the EDjust remains dormant.
I might not know the answer to that but I know that I want to keep choosing life,adventure,memories made with people over the eating disorder and over self destruction.Recovery is not just the fight to get healthy but the fight to stay healthy.Even if the eating disorder never goes away completely I’d rather be in recovery than relapse.I am still hopeful for the day though that I can say an eating disorder has absolutely no place in my life.