Eating disorders at home VS eating disorders abroard

When you have an eating disorder going abroard can be difficult,daunting or down right terrifying.Not being able to know food timings or what you are eating can be hard.Now that I am in a good place in recovery I actually find it’s the opposite!I struggle more with ED thoughts when I come home than when I am abroard!

Being away on holiday to Bulgaria and Norway this June has felt incredibly freeing,eating “unhealthy” foods a lot and being free from guilt most of the time has been pretty liberating.Why is this?I am not sure…Perhaps because I can justify it as I am on holiday.I think being away from home,away from the weighing scales makes me feel so much more free now.Maybe it’s because I am more distracted on holiday seeing new things that I do not care so much,I don’t know really.

I have just eaten about half a rhubarb pie with ice cream as it was damn good,as soon as I finished my mind was trying to guilt trip me to go stand on the scales.Like why brain!!!???I haven’t stood on those bloody things in a month or so and I am not about to do it now.

I find comfort knowing that I am going away on Thursday and will be travelling for two months.Two months of not having the scales in close proximity,yay!Two months without routine or structure something which a year ago would have been awful for me I now welcome with open arms!

Travelling has been such a big motivation to stay on track.I have also found myself thinking “who cares if I gain weight!?” I won’t care about it when trekking up a mountain or playing with children in some remote village in the jungle!So I have found myself taking that extra piece of food someone offers me  or going back for extras and thinking it’s ok if I gain a bit! 

One of my fears going travelling is getting sick,wether that be food poisoning or altitude sickness as these can make people lose weight and I do not want that to happen!!!A year ago maybe,but not now!!So I am actually ok with the thought of gaining a little bit of weight just in case.This is also why I am glad I gained over the minimum healthy weight as I guess it’s good to have a buffer.

I just want freedom now,freedom from these thoughts,rules.The eating disorder wants to stop me from living my life and I am not letting that happen!!I am coming to the end of my gap year and I plan on doing these last two months justice.

Screw comfort zones!

I have been thinking about identity as well and how travel plays a part.When I go to university it’s a completely fresh start,I would rather be the girl who has stories to tell,travels to talk about,who can eat freely and laugh rather than a girl consumed by an ED. 

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