When you have an eating disorder going abroard can be difficult,daunting or down right terrifying.Not being able to know food timings or what you are eating can be hard.Now that I am in a good place in recovery I actually find it’s the opposite!I struggle more with ED thoughts when I come home than when I am abroard!
Being away on holiday to Bulgaria and Norway this June has felt incredibly freeing,eating “unhealthy” foods a lot and being free from guilt most of the time has been pretty liberating.Why is this?I am not sure…Perhaps because I can justify it as I am on holiday.I think being away from home,away from the weighing scales makes me feel so much more free now.Maybe it’s because I am more distracted on holiday seeing new things that I do not care so much,I don’t know really.
I have just eaten about half a rhubarb pie with ice cream as it was damn good,as soon as I finished my mind was trying to guilt trip me to go stand on the scales.Like why brain!!!???I haven’t stood on those bloody things in a month or so and I am not about to do it now.
I find comfort knowing that I am going away on Thursday and will be travelling for two months.Two months of not having the scales in close proximity,yay!Two months without routine or structure something which a year ago would have been awful for me I now welcome with open arms!
Travelling has been such a big motivation to stay on track.I have also found myself thinking “who cares if I gain weight!?” I won’t care about it when trekking up a mountain or playing with children in some remote village in the jungle!So I have found myself taking that extra piece of food someone offers me or going back for extras and thinking it’s ok if I gain a bit!
One of my fears going travelling is getting sick,wether that be food poisoning or altitude sickness as these can make people lose weight and I do not want that to happen!!!A year ago maybe,but not now!!So I am actually ok with the thought of gaining a little bit of weight just in case.This is also why I am glad I gained over the minimum healthy weight as I guess it’s good to have a buffer.
I just want freedom now,freedom from these thoughts,rules.The eating disorder wants to stop me from living my life and I am not letting that happen!!I am coming to the end of my gap year and I plan on doing these last two months justice.
Screw comfort zones!
I have been thinking about identity as well and how travel plays a part.When I go to university it’s a completely fresh start,I would rather be the girl who has stories to tell,travels to talk about,who can eat freely and laugh rather than a girl consumed by an ED.