When weight restoring during eating disorder recover it is often hard to believe that there will come a point where you will stop gaining and your body will remain the same weight (give or take a few kg)It was a big fear of mine as I watched the number on the scale rise I was doubtful it would ever stop going up.It did stop eventually,maybe not where I wanted it to but it did.Not being able to predict where your body will settle can cause anxiety but you shouldn’t let it stop you from moving forward in your recovery.
It can be hard to let go of having a certain weight in mind that you want to reach when you are weight restored.I had a weight in mind and have gone on to gain about 2-3kg above this.Trusting you body is one of the hardest things to do when all you want to do is exercise control over it.
But it can also be extremely liberating to let go.I sit here in a park eating a chocolate croissant and latte with zero fucks given or worries on how it will impact my weight.Being able to eat freely,whatever you want,whenever you want is awesome.For me it is worth being a few kg higher than I thought I would have previously been able to tolerate.It is worth not clinging to being a. Minimum healthy weight if it means you have the freedom to live and enjoy your life.
Even if you don’t struggle with body dysmorphia during an eating disorder that doesn’t mean reaching a healthy weight will feel comfortable and ok all the time.Acceptance takes time.It can be hard when people comment that you look healthy and strong rather than skinny.But I am glad skinny is no longer the centre of my identity.
Everyone has a different set point.Some people consider themselves weight restored when their periods return for others this is not the case.For some it is a bmi of 19 for others a bmi of 22 or higher,it varies and that is ok!
I have been off the scales for over a month now and I don’t feel any different in my body.I used to be so scared that not knowing the number would make me lose control and I would gain gain gain.For me I judged many situations depending on my weight.I no longer need that number to justify my self worth or “okness”
Now I no longer know how much I weigh.I do still get scared sometimes of gaining more weight however if I don’t know then it can’t hurt me.Id like to just let go of the scales now and trust my body.
The reality is that life after an eating disorder will not be perfect.There will still be hard times but you will no longer need your eating disorder to cope with this.Maybe sometimes you will feel tempted.I know that relationship conflicts with family or friends often lead me to ruminating on the past and thinking about what it would be like to relapse.But those are just thoughts.They have no power over you unless you give them power.Maybe it’s ok to acknowledge that it is normal and ok to miss something that was so central to your life and helped you cope as long as you recognise that going back to the eating disorder will not make anything better and so you do not.
I do sometimes wonder if this is my final recovery attempt.I can picture the rest of my life without an eating disorder relapse so surely it must be possible.However Another part of me fears that in the distant future something may happen to push me back to the ED.I don’t really see it happening though,at times that makes me a bit sad,irrational right?