As you are counting,weighing,killing
Outside kids are playing in the street,
you are binging,purging,flushing out,
Trying to not make a sound.
friends are moving out, friends are growing up.
They are growing,blossoming,becomming,
You are shrinking,thinning,shunning,
The opportunity of a life.
They are thriving
Friends are partying,dancing,singing,
As you sit alone,eyes stinging,
But a wish becomes reality,
You start eating,resting,breathing,
Creeping out of this illness.
Easing into healing,feeling,
Conceiving a new identity.
Yet the wounds are still open,
You are still bleeding,
The faith in you is receeding,
Thoughts are tearing at the seams,
You begin scheming ,
how to go back.
But the page has turned
The past is in the past.
So you start creating,socialising,dating,
No longer weighting your worth,
By the numbers on scales,number of fails.
It’s illuminating when you begin concentrating on reinstating your being,
Where you belong.
The world keeps on spinning,
You begin living.
Sometimes having an eating disorder an feel like a way of shutting the world out.You isolate yourself and the illness becomes central to your being.The thing is while you waste your life away with the illness the world keeps spinning,those around you are living and you are missing out.Sure it can feel safe to live in that bubble but surely it is more exciting to be brave,face your fears and step out into the real world.
I realised this in September when my friends left for university.They were out partying,dancing,meeting new people and I was home alone fighting to keep meals down,binging,gaining weight and feeling left behind.I didn’t like it so I changed.It took time but I never want to go back and end up missing out on life.I also realised people like parents won’t be around forever.I don’t want to let the eating disorder come between us ever again.Yesterday we went out for a early Father’s Day meal and I had pasta,alcohol and a massive ice cream sundae and do you know what it was ok!Better than ok,we had a great time and yes it does still make me a bit anxious sometimes but it’s all about not letting the fears control you.
Today I am leaving for Bulgaria with my 2 friends for 5 days.Its my first holiday abroad with friends and I am so excited!!!Also determined to eat well and keep myself accountable.Ending this gap year the right way!