Throughout recovery it can be hard to deal with the thought of letting go off you eating disorder. I can also be hard to cope with the memories or experiences you had throughout relapse. You may be filled with,guilt,anxieties,regrets or even a longing to return back to your old ways. Looking back or thinking back to the times you were in the grips of the eating disorder can prevent you or make it harder to let go and move on.
For me coping with ED memories has at times been hard. I would sometimes look back on photos from the summer and try to convince myself that it wasn’t actually “that bad” and I was no sick and did not need to recover. But rationally I knew it was hell and not a hell I wanted to live in anymore. Once I committed to recovery in September I made progress fast and the memories faded quite quickly. For me when I would look back into the past and read diary entries of look at photos I can remember how I felt,particularly how my eating disorder affecting those around me and the arguments, rained relationships and lying. That still upsets me sometimes. That girl wasn’t me.I is like I am reading someone else’s story. A lot of the summer was just a haze and I felt so out of it, some of the lengths I went to to hide my disorder absolutely disgust me.
So what can you do? For one you should only look back to see how far you have come. Learn to not only tolerate but to celebrate the person who you have become. I am learning to embrace and accept my healthy body and mind, to not use binging and purging as a means for coping. To look into the future with hope rather than fear and to take each day as it comes.
Make changes in your life so you will be happy in the present and not feel like going back to the past. Strive for the life you want to live. I am nervous about returning back to studying and how exams and pressure will affect me.I am scared of going on placement and being judged by mentors, patients and their families. But most of all I am excited to finally be able to go to university, to learn new things and to hopefully make a positive difference in peoples lives.
Another thing which I think is helpful is to be forgiving. Forgive yourself for those horrible times and allow yourself to move on. Also forgive others. Forgive the people who said you would never get better, forgive those who said you eat too much or are getting big,forgive the comments of people who didn’t know any better. Forgive family or friends for getting angry or frustrated with you, they were just worried or trying to help. My relationship with my parents especially my dad is much better now.Sometimes it does make me sad to think that he may only like me when I am “well enough” and If I was ever to relapse I could again ruin things. Try to rationalise that people don’t hate you they hate your eating disorder. It not only puts your life on hold but there’s too. It is heart-breaking to see someone struggling and being unable to get through to them. People have different ways of approaching a person and trying to get them to recover. Someone may say horrible and unkind things to try to get through to you. Those words can stick with you. It can hurt but use it as motivation to prove them wrong.
Think of the present and the future. You have fought for you life and health and are so much stronger now. Your mind may try to trick you into thinking you were better off engaging in ED behaviours but know that that is a lie. I don’t think anyone in the depths of an ED is truly happy. Recover may be hard and painful but it gives you a chance to experience true happiness and actually living.
Some posts relevant to this topic:
BELIEVING IN THE POSSIBILITY OF RECOVERED https://wordpress.com/post/liveloverunagain.wordpress.com/3094