Acceptance

A bit of a heads up that this is not a very positive post.

I feel like I have accepted that losing weight doesn’t really change anything. It does not fix anything, it does not make you a better person, it may make you feel better in the short term but in the long run it will not be worth it.You have to work on the issues you have that make you feel like you need to lose weight in order to feel ok.

But then if losing weight won’t fix anything I am kind of thinking gaining doesn’t either. I just stupidly stepped on the scales and I can’t cope with the number I saw.I still am meant to eat dinner before work and then the number will be even higher and I cant cope with that.I Can accept being a healthy weight but not this high. I just cannot take it today.Most days I am fine,probably 99% recovered but today I cannot..I just know I would feel so much better a tiny bit lighter.I am still the shit person I was a couple of months ago and I feel like recovery wont change that. I will still be shit at everything and make countless mistakes and be a waste of space and time.

I have work at 6pm and I just cannot face going in but I have to as it’s too short notice to call in sick and that would just be a selfish thing to do.I just feel like shit.I do not want to slap a smile on, I don’t want to talk to people.I want to crawl out of my skin. Please can I just hide and disappear.

Don’t get me wrong I love work but I am just shot at it like everyyyyyything else.The other day I was really anxious and fucked an order up which led to being more anxious and fucking more things up and then having a panic attack in the toilet,How pathetic. I am scared people hate me and to be honest I do not blame them they have every right too. I am scared of what they say and think. To be honest I am lucky I have not been fired yet.

I need some sort of control and I do not know where to find it.

 

 

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5 thoughts on “Acceptance

  1. Writing is a way of control. You wrote it out and controlled what you wrote and you published it which takes a lot of strength to share your inner most emotions. Those thoughts help others who are strugggling with the same things and we are struggling. I struggle with similar feelings of what do people feel about me.
    I’m sorry you had to go to work and I’m sorry you are just having one of those hard days. Thinking ofyou and hoping it gets better

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your kind words.I am trying to just think that some days are harder than others but you just have to push through.I don’t like being negative but at the same time I would rather be true and not be fake.
      Hope you have a good week.Thank you again.Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Em

    Thinking of you too and sending support xxx I agree with what Bethanyk says about writing being a way to control and express your experience and I respect the courage it takes to share what you’re going through. I relate to the feelings you describe x you’re not alone xx Em

    Like

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