A bit of a heads up that this is not a very positive post.
I feel like I have accepted that losing weight doesn’t really change anything. It does not fix anything, it does not make you a better person, it may make you feel better in the short term but in the long run it will not be worth it.You have to work on the issues you have that make you feel like you need to lose weight in order to feel ok.
But then if losing weight won’t fix anything I am kind of thinking gaining doesn’t either. I just stupidly stepped on the scales and I can’t cope with the number I saw.I still am meant to eat dinner before work and then the number will be even higher and I cant cope with that.I Can accept being a healthy weight but not this high. I just cannot take it today.Most days I am fine,probably 99% recovered but today I cannot..I just know I would feel so much better a tiny bit lighter.I am still the shit person I was a couple of months ago and I feel like recovery wont change that. I will still be shit at everything and make countless mistakes and be a waste of space and time.
I have work at 6pm and I just cannot face going in but I have to as it’s too short notice to call in sick and that would just be a selfish thing to do.I just feel like shit.I do not want to slap a smile on, I don’t want to talk to people.I want to crawl out of my skin. Please can I just hide and disappear.
Don’t get me wrong I love work but I am just shot at it like everyyyyyything else.The other day I was really anxious and fucked an order up which led to being more anxious and fucking more things up and then having a panic attack in the toilet,How pathetic. I am scared people hate me and to be honest I do not blame them they have every right too. I am scared of what they say and think. To be honest I am lucky I have not been fired yet.
I need some sort of control and I do not know where to find it.