I cannot feel the storm brewing inside,
Until it consumes my body,heart and mind.
I stand in a clearing where the sun still shines
but I can’t escape the clouding of mind.
Despite my fortunate circumstances
The wind still howls and the storm advances.
perseverance an easy habit
until sudden defeat
“Take it! ,have it!”
On those days I fall like rain
So consumed by idle pain
Blues reduced to ashen grey,
My feelings brittle,dull,decayed.
The picture I paint begins to fray
wilting like an old bouquet.
Because when it rains it pours
I hide behind closed doors
A delinquent in my own home
I now only see in monochrome.
Accepting to be soaked in sadness
Losing hope in derelict darkness.
Yet I find solace in cirrus clouds that drift
Out of nowhere appears a rift
And just like the rain I slip away
Back to life,with no delay.
Everyone has good days and bad days,I had a low night the other day and felt pretty hopeless.Sometimes these feelings can spring on you suddenly even if your external circumstances are good.One second you may be so positive and feel on top of the world and then just crash.That can be unsettling.
When my eating disorder was at it’s worst in the summer almost everyday was a dark,bad day.Sometimes I would hope to not wake up just to not face another day of trying and failing to break out of the behaiviours.The eating disorder had already sucked the life out of me so what was the point in continuing?I did not feel worthy of life and was just a burden.
During recovery the “real you” begins to break through and once again you see a future for yourself.My good days definately out number the bad.Hapiness outweighs sadness.Hope and determination out weigh hopelessness and giving up.
Recently self hatred about weight and eating have sent my mood plummeting.But I am so hopeful for the future that I dont let it consume me the way it did in the summer.I know these feelings will pass and I just need to persevere with recovery.
You never know what life will throw at you or whever you will wake up to good or bad days so you just have to take the good with the bad and be grateful for each momment you are alive.