I am not particularly religious so do not really celebrate Easter but it is tradition in Poland to spend time with family and this usually involves lots of food. I really tried to focus on just spending time with my parents and being happy and gratefull but at the same time had a lot of stress, panic and and fear in my mind.I was working all bank holiday weekend so that was at least some distraction.
Being around a lot of food is still hard for me.My brain seems to flick into an impulsive mode and the binge/purge or restrict completely urges intensify.I still struggle to eat foods like cheesecake,chocolate and traditional greasy foods like polish sausages e,t,c without over doing it or wanting to purge afterwards.
I am just so annoyed for binging and purging again after being without this behaviour for over a month. But at the same time I can’t deny that the feeling of calmness afterwards did feel good. Sometimes when you are doing well physically and mentally you can fall into a false sense of security. I find sometimes when I have done well for a while I become less strict with myself in making sure to eat regularly which leads to binging urges later on. My friends have also been back from university and socialising often involves alcohol and going out which can increase impulsiveness and therefore urges to binge.
slipping up every once in a while doesn’t make you a failure and it won’t erase the progress already made. A lot of ED sufferers are probably big perfectionists and want to get everything right all the time so its hard when you do not get everything 100% right. I have committed to staying a healthy weight but sometimes I am scared I will ever be binge/purge free.I guess in the end it’s down to how much I want to be recovered.
I have experienced both the restrictive and the binging side of the disorder and while neither is great obviously, I wish sometimes I could go back to the restrictive days as at least I felt some control. I think when people begin recovery from anorexia that is why it is so important to get professional help otherwise it is really easy to slip into binging or bulimia when you begin eating more again.
I can kind of understand where the behaviours stem from. The restrictive part of the eating disorder was fuelled by a need for control, by anxiety,not being good enough,wanting to disappear e.t.c and then the binging/purging side was fuelled by depressed moods rather than anxious moods.By feeling empty so therefore filling yourself up only to get rid of it all.Or just wanting to purge all your feelings out.
Someone once told me that a “mini” relapse is an opportunity to learn about what triggers you to go back to your ED behaviours and what is still keeping the eating disorder alive. Sometimes when I relapse back to binging and purging I just want to ignore it and deny that it happened. But the thing is you need to figure out what is causing you to relapse into ED behaviours so you can work on fixing it again. Are you overworking? Are you lonely or bored? Have you been restricting? Are your surrounding affecting you negatively? How have your relationships been?
The way I see it is if you beat your eating disorder once then you can do it again.
Overall though it has been a pretty good week! Feeling positive and hopeful!My dog has been recovering well after her operation and has much more energy.Work has been decent and it has been nice to have my parents back again. We have actually been getting along really well. Me and my dad have gone on two bike rides which was really nice despite being pretty hungover after going out two nights in a row.I have actually been thinking about my alcohol intake and that I should probably reduce it.The past few weeks I have been going out with friends and also at the place where I work its common to sometimes go out for a drink or two after our shift. I am a bit all or nothing when it comes to drinking. It doesn’t really interfere with my life so its probably not a problem. But I know how easy it is to get addicted to things so I do want to be a bit more careful.I also lost my phone the other night so that sucks quite a bit as it had three years of photos and memories on it.
I also have a 5k followed by a half marathon next week! Really unprepared for it but in the end i’ts just one race and if worst comes to worst I can walk it.Trying to remind myself that we are not just defined by one moment in time and even if I do not do well it’s a step in the right direction to getting fitness and stamina back.
Anyway I hope everyone has a good week and sorry for another boring post of me just rambling on!