I haven’t posted in a while due to being busy but also not really knowing what to write. Now that I have some followers I feel like what I write needs to be good enough. I also had been feeling pretty low and didn’t really want to write a negative post. I like writing posts which may be helpful for others but other times I feel like I just need to get some thoughts out. I also want to use this blog to look back and see where I have come from. So maybe this post will not be particularly helpful or interesting but its more of a diary entry and what I need right now.
Since September I have been receiving outpatient treatment for my eating disorder and having weekly appointments which have helped hugely however throughout March I hadn’t been seeing anyone as the Nurse I see was away for a month. I saw being without treatment for a month as an opportunity to apply what I have learnt over the past few months and prove that I can stay healthy .It was also an opportunity to see which areas I still struggle with and what I still need to work on before I go off travelling in the summer and then to university. The first two weeks I struggled as half of me wanted to relapse the other wanted to continue with recovery. I had also been ill on and off since February and found working difficult as I could not hear properly and was just generally not feeling well which led to mood drops and binging and purging. The last 2 weeks of March were far more successful. I committed to not binging and purging and have stayed B/P free until now which is about a month and the longest I haven’t B/P’d for over a year. So really pleased with that and hope I can continue it. I can’t explain how freeing it is to live without that behaviour, Although the urges are still there sometimes I have the skills to not give into them and also an understanding of why they occur. I do not have ANY rules around food or timings anymore.
On April the 2nd my parents went away on holiday for two weeks so it was just my dog and I at home. This was another opportunity to prove I can live alone and manage eating well. I really waned to do well so that my Mum doesn’t worry so much when I go away to university. I struggled with restriction urges quite a lot due to having not much of an appetite and feeling quite anxious . But I pushed through the urges and kept eating.
In terms of relationships with people there have been ups and downs,conflicts and some difficult moments.I still find it hard to say NO sometimes and assert myself because I want to please others and make them happy.I often feel responsible for other peoples happiness. My self esteem still rests largely on what other people say and think. I have recognised that conflicts with others is a big trigger for binging or purging.
I have been socialising quite a bit and it has been good to see friends who have come back from university for the Easter holidays.One of the best things about recovery in my opinion is having the energy to socialise and to be actually “present”. I do feel a bit distanced from some friends though and worry we won’t stay in contact and I will lose them.
Work has been ok overall. I am working much less hours, probably average full time hours which is much more manageable.
In terms of exercise I have been a lot more active the past week or two due to feeling better physically and having more time. To be truthful I don’t enjoy running that much at the moment just because I have slowed down a lot and don’t find it as easy anymore. A lot of runs end with tears and disappointment as I am constantly comparing to how I used to be. I guess the perfectionistic drive has taken the passion from running a bit. I am running a half marathon in two weeks time and I am pretty worried about it.I haven’t ran more than 10km since August and have lost a lot of fitness since then. I tried to go out on a run today but had to cut it short due to shin splints. The best thing would be to rest until the pain goes away however I need to get at least a 10 mile run in before the half marathon so I may try and just take some pain killers and push through tomorrow. I really don’t want to quit the half marathon but realistically I am not ready to run it.
In the summer I am going to South America for two months which is super exciting! I am flying out alone to Colombia and meeting a group of people there.Then we are making our way down to Ecuador, Peru and finishing in Bolivia. It will be a challenge and I am terrified! This wouldn’t have been possible if I hadn’t chosen recovery! Its another motivation to stay healthy and keep going. I am a bit worried about my mood dropping or being anxious and having no one to talk to. There are also fears about how I will manage food and urges to restrict and also going two months without weighing scales. I get back on the 5th September and then on the 16th I leave home and move into university accommodation! This will be a chance for a new fresh start and hopefully I can leave the eating disorder behind and pursue my nursing career!There’s lots of exciting things in the future to look forward to and I am very hopeful. So much has changed in the last few months and I’m excited for what is to come.
For now though its work,work,work! Hope everyone has a good easter!
(Also if anyone has any blog posts ideas or topics they would like me to write about please comment below :))