Critical mind

Measuring your worth by;

Numbers on scales,

Number of fails,

Infinite mistakes,

Others hardly make.

Imperfect grades

and judgements about weight.

Poor communication

and robotic conversations.

“Emotionless,uninterested”

“Didn’t catch her smile once.”

Can I please have another chance?

If it wasn’t for dedication,

It’d be an easy replacement.

The comparissons,

Are just for embarassmemt.

Caring too much,

then not caring at all.

They say

“One day she’ll fall”

Again.

I kind of feel like my confidence has gone down a bit the last few days.Just feeling a bit crap.So much of my self worth depends on what others say or think.And i’m constantly questioning mistakes made,things said e.t.c

Despite my weight being higher at weigh in I actually feel accepting off it.I justfeel quite passive about it. yet the search self acceptance continues.

Sometimes I wish to be smaller again.Not for aesthetic purposes but just because I want to shrink away and not be present.But on the otherhand I kind of think having anorexia and being underweight actually makes someone more noticeable and more needy of others and therefore it actually has the opposite effect which kind of makes me rationalise that staying healthy is the way to go.I don’t even know if that makes sense?

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5 thoughts on “Critical mind

  1. I relate to you so deeply. My parents threw away all the scales in my house because they know that everything is not “okay” and I hate food and they know once they let me go, I’ll spiral out of control. Hang in there xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My dad chooses to have the scales out so it’s really hard not to step on them!But I am trying so hard.
      I feel that as a young adult I need to be responsible for my life and recovery regardless what others are doing. Just have faith it is worth it in the end.Xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. As long as there will be humans it will be a complex, fluid world. So many views, opinions, pressures, directions… How do we know which is the best for us? We don’t. We never do. We never will. We just make the best decisions that we can and follow through in the hope that it was the right choice that we made. And that takes… faith, which is not some airy-fairy notion in one’s head – no, faith is what makes us embark on a particular course of action. Of course, a person can just not move; not do a thing; not grow. But such a person is dead. The person with faith, even a tiny bit, is dynamic. If you have such faith, then you have a great and powerful inner force that, as you exercise it, grows a foundation so strong that one day you will come to realise that the journey really has been worth it.

    Liked by 1 person

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