The past two weeks have been pretty busy so I haven’t really had much time to post!I’ve started my new job as HCA in mental health which has been ok so far I guess, whilst continuing with waitressing so had like a 70hr week.I have no idea how some people do 100hr weeks!Must be exhausting!I have cut back on hours though and will be doing around 50 a week which is a good ammount I feel.It’s hard to find a good balance sometimes between work and free time.I just feel much happier at work as I genuinely love working and I feel like there is less room for my eating disorder.It’s also a reason to get out of bed and smile even if I feel low.
Eating wise things are going well,my head however tells me it’s “too well” my head screams that there are all these chances to restrict because of being busy and yet I eat loads and gain/maintain.Its a good thing but the ED part of me doesn’t like it at all.I don’t care about how I look if I gain,it’s more the control and letting go of rules of not being above a certain number and just fears,anxieties,loss of identity e.t.c
Also the doubt in everything.The fears and self hate mean I want to self harm.But becuase of working with people who self harm I don’t want to as I feel it would be hypocritical.A pet hate of mine is not practicing what you preach.But I feel like it’s a lot of pressure to manage the low moods,anxieties,weight gain/maintain in ways that are not purging/self harming.It’s almost like I NEED to be 100% free of any mental health issues or I feel like a hypocrite.I don’t know if that even makes any sense.When does one leave recovery and start being “recovered”?It’s kind of scary to leave behind the eating disorder but it’s also scary to leave behind the thought of being in recovery from an ED.But I think by clinging onto the “recovery identity” it can be another way of holding onto the eating disorder rather than letting go fully.
There hasn’t really been much time/energy for running and when I do go out I run like 2km and then give up/can’t do anymore which is pretty disheartening.I’m thinking of joining a club maybe as ive lost so much fitness and just really badly want to be able to run a half marathon again.
family wise everything’s quite ok.My mum’s an absolute angel and has been really helpfull with everything.I don’t really see my parents much at all though and there is some tension at times and arguements,mainly my fault though.
All in all though everything is pretty decent! Not much to complain about really.Only 7 months left until university so there is no turning back now.It’s only onwards and upwards from here no matter how scary it is at times.