In recovery from an eating disorder its great to have reasons to recover, reasons to keep going,reasons to eat. When your mood is low its good to have reasons and ,motivations to get out of bed. Sadly some days or weeks although you may have 1000 reasons and motivations they just aren’t enough. You can have all the “want” and reasons to stay on track but it doesn’t make the heavy weight you drag around any lighter, it doesn’t make the negatives turn to positives, it doesn’t make the fears any smaller or the voices in your head any quieter.
I guess you do not need a big overarching reason to recover sometimes you just have to grit your teeth do what you have to do and have faith that over time it will feel worth it and the reasons why you chose to get better and get control over your life once again feel worth fighting for.
Over the last 2 weeks I have been feeling lower again, more fearfull,more hopeless once again. The last few days have been very busy working and I think I forgot to take medication some days which probably doesn’t help.I try and keep all the reasons and motivations in the front of my mind as to why stay strong but the hope and determination just fizzles and fades.
I’m just tired.So so tired of failing.Of putting up a front 24/7.It seems to go that 2 weeks are good and then another bad week follows.Being on a positivity high only to fall again.I’m tired of picking things up time and time and time again only to fail and fall into the same cycles again.I just want out.
I have started training at my new job today which is in mental health and today one of the questions asked during training was “if you were to kill yourself how would you do it? “I didn’t really want to consider it as I’ve had those thoughts before though would never ever act on them as it would hurt those around me.
I’m scared I wont be strong enough to help patients when sometimes, some weeks I don’t feel that strong myself. I honestly just want to give in as it’s so much easier.But that’s just not an option. I wont let it become one but it weighs heavy on my mind.
You can be an anxious, sad mess in side and just want to stay in bed all day and yet you go to work and are the happiest person in the room. You can feel awful and yet be functional. In fact I love working long shifts as its the time I feel the happiest and maybe the sadness/heaviness doesn’t go completely but there is something else to focus others people to talk to.
Its complicated and impossible to explain this feeling. Especially when at times there’s no reasons for being so low. It unsettles you and all the guilt, shame and blame build up and fill you up.Why can’t you just snap out of it?what’s wrong?You have no answers.Pushing people away.Either way you make them feel bad.You let people in only to drag them down with your problems.