Some weeks it can feel like you are just flying through life and everything is easy and smooth going.Even if a difficult situation arises you deal with it and it does not phase you.You are so motivated and happy.
Other weeks it can feel like you are dragging yourself through the days and just going through the motions.The past few days have felt a bit like that.Counting down from 10 to get out of bed,make breakfast,take the dog out but instead minutes stretch into hours and I end up not getting dressed until 3pm then rushing to get stuff before running off to work.
I still eat a shit load of food even when I do nothing all day and then wonder why it’s making me gain.My head tells me to restrict and I do quite the opposite.I just can’t be bothered anymore.But Some days I just can’t bear the thought of all the weight ive gained and I feel like I’ve lost a part of my identity and I dont know but I juat crave binging purging till you feel like passing out and the way I felt in the summer.I know its wrong and it was horrible a horrible time not just for me but for others,So why on earth do I miss some aspects of it?It’s so not worth it.There’s no way I will go back though,couldn’t even if I wanted.
It’s not sadness it’s just no feelings really.Like just stuck in the middle.I can’t bridge the gap between the words on this page and the way it feels.Sleeping the day away is almost a relief.
I don’t know what it is about staying in bed that makes it feel so safe.I am guilty and ashamed especially when people ask what I’ve done all day and try and make up something interesting.
I used to be someone who liked being productive and on the go and I never allowed myself to be so lazy.Theres just no motivation some days and absolutly no energy.
I’ve noticed it always fluctuates every few weeks.Really good week then low week or just an feeling empty week then again a good week.Maybe that’s normal.I don’t know.Some times not sleeping all night for weeks on end and then it flips to the opposite of sleeping 24/7.
There’s no point to this post really just some thoughts.Some people can probably relate.