1 am thoughts.
This year I will take responsibility for my life, decision and actions. I refuse to hide behind the eating disorder. I refuse to turn to self destruction when things get slightly tough. I refuse to make excuses for the eating disorder and I refuse to let it control me. refuse to let comments get to me.
I WILL be a nursing student and I will take responsibility for not just my life but other peoples. I will eat properly at university.
I WILL go out and lead the life that I am capable of living.
For too long I didn’t mind being told I had the body of a child. I didn’t mind not taking responsibility and ownership of my ED behaviours. I didn’t care that I had no periods. For me all that “grown up” stuff was messy and terrifying. But now I want to embrace it and accept it.
Sometimes I wish I had been able to go into hospital as an inpatient because then I probably would have stopped purging sooner. Sometimes I think I wasn’t “bad enough” and therefore Don’t deserve recovery. The last few months of this year have been 100% tougher than I had imagined and I am FAR from perfect. But I am glad to have been able to not just recover but to also learn to live again. To go to work and to build a life and identity beyond the eating disorder. Its important I think to create a life that YOU actually want to live.
The reality is that no one can “force” you to recover. Sure you could be forced to gain weight but in the end the change in mind set has to come from you. People can support you on your journey and there is no way I could be doing it alone and I am so grateful for having help but in the end its you who has be willing to change, be willing to dig deep and really make an effort.
Sometimes I feel guilty for when I am doing well. But in fact I am so blessed for choosing to fight for health and for a meaningful life.Ofcourse eating disorders are not choices and sufferers are not 100% in control but we do have the power to change.
I don’t want to put energy into something which gives nothing back and just takes and takes and takes, not just from you but all those around you. Its time to start putting time and energy into things that matter. People that matter.
Sometimes I see someone who looks like they have anorexia particularly if I go food shopping early in the morning and it makes me so so sad. It makes me so sad to see someone so thin with only vegetables and diet cola in their basket, checking calories on packaging. Picking things up only to put them down. Walking down the isles looking at food . Literally breaks my heart because I know and recognise those behaviours and I just want to go up and be like “CHOOSE RECOVERY,GET HELP,PLEASE!” I people watch and What I have noticed is that often they are alone by themselves and they just look sad and empty. Eating disorders are miserable and isolating and I don’t want that to be my future.
We are all destined for a more fulfilling life than an eating disorder can ever give us. An eating disorder can feel like a comfort and a safe haven and appealing in the moment but in the long term it will destroy you. Yes that sounds dramatic but honestly an eating disorder does not deserve to control you and dominate your life.