This morning as I was walking my beautiful Labrador a song called “you get what you give” by the new radicals came up on my playlist. I literally love this song, its such a feel good song and I would always listen to it if I was down or feeling unmotivated.
I think the song is about perseverance, self-belief, optimism, staying true to yourself, going for your dreams, enjoying your life, not caring what people think and believing that if you put it hard work then it will pay off in the end.
I am starting a job as a healthcare assistant soon at a secure unit which I am both nervous and excited for.Its like a step in the right direction towards being a nurse in the future,hopefully.Which makes me feel a bit more optimistic.
Although depression/low mood,eating disorders are horrible to have they can also feel quite cosy and safe.It can feel like they put your life on hold and it can be a kind of relief.Its so much easier at times to just go along with the eating disorder than to fight against it.What I think I’m coming to realise is that life with an eating disorder is hard and recovery is also hard.But the difference is that when you choose recovery there is the possibility that life will get better.Whilst if you continue with the eating disorder then you can never find out what life could be like without it.Ok so maybe life without an ED wont be perfect,maybe it wont be much different but you never know what it will be like unless you try to get rid of the ED.
For a few days I was ill so I stayed in bed a lot and pretty much didn’t do anything which is completely unlike me.I think in some ways I kind of liked having the excuse to rest and do nothing.I think purging serves the same purpose.Like when you purge and are exhausted it gives you a reason to rest and sleep.As much as I hate bingeing and purging this week I have accepted that yes it does serve some sort of purpose and that’s why it is hard to give it up.Buuuut not impossible!
Now that I am feeling better physically and back to work I am struggling to find the motivation to do things,to talk to people e.t.c. I think sometimes you kind of have to force yourself out of bed and into world even if you don’t feel like it because you cant hide away forever.Its hard to find a good balance.Being on the go constantly can burn you out but staying home and not going out at all is not so great either.I find making a list of a few things I want to do in the day helpful.That way I have a bit of a plan.
I do kind of wish I was more like my sister sometimes as she’s travelled tonnes by herself and has so much drive and confidence and ambition and determination and she got good grades and graduated with a good degree and I’ve kind of lost my way. I try and see it as taking a different path and that is ok.I hope.Comparisson is the thief of joy. Someone told me the other day “compare and despair,just focus on your own goals and ambitions”.
Not really sure what the purpose of this post is,Just some thoughts.