Does the sadness ever fade?

The nights get longer and days get shorter.

Binge purge,binge repeat.

Guilt,shame,guilt,blame.

So “tick tock” Goes the clock

Get off to work.

But first;

Slap a smile on your face!

Eat everything’s that’s on your plate.

What’s important is…

“You look better”

When really you are just stumbling,

Everything you held onto is crumbling.

I can feel myself

Tumbling

Back into the darkness.

I don’t even bother hide it.

I’m sorry.

Could I not be transparent enough?

 

I experienced this before when I was doing physically better and my eating was good,inside I felt worse then before.Just really sad.Waking up sad.Going to sleep sad.Atleast I was at school and had friends there.

Lately I just don’t see the point in anything,I have had thoughts of ending it.And I am also aware this probably comes off as ungrateful as I have no valid reason to feel this way.

I don’t even bother hide it.I used to try harder to hide it and act happy.I am not better,my mind is worse than ever.

I’m literally so sorry for everything and even for how I am now. I could apologise a 1000 times and it still probably wouldn’t make much difference as actions speak louder than words as im shit at following through with what I say.Im not even trying to snap out of feeling like this anymore.

I know I have said it a billion times before but it is so frustrating when people over simplify the ED to wanting to be thin.

I don’t miss being thin.What I miss is not feeling this sad.I mean sure when underweight I cant say I felt overly happy.But i’d rather feel nothing than this.And that’s what it was like,I felt nothing.I hardly ever cried and now I have no control.I have so much hate and no where to put it apart from take it out on my body.

 

 

Like I said I know I’ve got no valid reasons.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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