So this week one of my homework tasks was to think about what life could be like by January if I keep going with recovery.
What could life be like by January if I stay committed to eating well and not binging/purging ?
I might gain. I might maintain.I may feel stronger and more energetic. Maybe my hair will stop coming out. Maybe I will be running by then.Could I start training for a half marathon?I could run for a charity.Maybe I will be uncomfortable with my body.Maybe I will like it.Maybe my sleep may be better,or perhaps worse?
Maybe my mood will be better.Maybe I will have better self esteem or self worth.Maybe I will feel more confident in myself or my decisions.Will I feel older?Will my motivation for life in general return?Will I be able to stay home without fear of binging and purging?Will I feel like myself again?whatever that feeling is.Will I have figured out by then why I binge/purge/restrict?
Or will my mood be lower?
Will I go out more?Will my friends notice a difference?Will I be more fun,a better friend,a better person?Or will I just lose my identity?Will I spend more time with my parents?Will my parents see the difference?How will they feel?Will I be able to enjoy social events without binging/purging or being anxious?What will the Christmas holidays be like?Will I be sad when friends leave for uni again?
Will I still work at turtle bay?Or as a Healthcare assistant?Or both?Will I be any good as a HCA?What if I am awful?
I don’t know what life will be like. Part of me is sceptical. What even is life without the eating disorder? I mean I have definitely have had periods of time even over the past three years when I have felt free from the ED.But is 100% freedom possible?I believe it is.I just don’t feel it yet.This evening I feel scared of the unknown.
I don’t even feel that excited right now about uni or running or anything else it all seems so far off.I can’t quite put into words how I have been feeling lately.Like I feel an obligation to recover but I just don’t feel it in me?I don’t even know what I am saying really.I want to be healthy for uni so I can give it my all and also to enjoy the social side and so my parents don’t have to worry.For my patients too.I have all these motivations and yet I feel so bleh.It makes no sense really.
I look at my friends who are living it up at uni.That could be me next year too.I’ts all in reach.Why is this so hard to let go off?It literally baffles me.Is that why there are not many books on recovery or people who have recovered?Because its so hard to let go 100%?
Is it ok to feel lost or scared and unsure?
I’m not expecting life to be perfect.(that would be boring anyway and impossible!Also I just want to put in I don’t think I have a bad life at all!I think I am really lucky.)I think when I first tried to recover I didn’t realise that its more a journey/process and not a destination you just arrive at.of course there will always be challenges.I just hope that by the time I go to university I will be able to deal with emotions/challenges without binging/purging/restricting.I hope to live and thrive and not merely survive.Because what fun is that?
Yes I am unsure of the future and fearfull.But one thing I am sure of is that I am no quitter!!!I have plans for the future.Those plans are not compatible with the ED!