This isn’t even a meaningfull post just reciting my day helps me sleep.
The ability to bounce back after day deciding “today is a fresh start” Is something I am still working on. This mentality is proving to be extremely helpful in recovery. For example yesterday I had a pretty crap day. Shit in all ways. But I decided” hey you know what it doesn’t have to be like that everyday”.Getting ma shit sorted this year and its off to uni the next!Its a onwards and upwards!
I woke up at 6:20 am and had a pre breakfast snack and coffee normally.Breakfast was at 7:30am then I did pretty standard things like showering, dressing e.t.c.I had put my work apron in the wash that morning and it was still wet. By the time I dried it with a hairdrier I was going to be late for the bus. So I called a taxi. Always feel bad about taking a taxi. Like I hate people assuming I’m rich or too lazy to get a bus.But I had an appointment to go to with the most awesome nurse.I was a bit late to the appointment but all was chill.The nurse I see is literally the best.
I got weighed and of course this was hard. Seeing the number on the scale was hard. But you know what in a way maybe its better. It makes me less likely to relapse because who wants to go to the effort of losing all that weight again? Not me.We went through my weeks food diaries and talked about the good,the not so good and what could help.The approach the nurse has is something I aspire to when I am a nurse one day. Completely non judgemental but at the same time its a solid approach which makes me motivated to get better.Furthermore the nurse said she would go out drinking and then buy something like pizza or chips to have that night. Its reassuring to know that that is a normal thing to do.I felt like I no longer had to be ashamed of who I was and what I am struggling with.Like I realised it was an alright week. A tough week and not without its downfalls but also with great leaps forward.
After the appointment I got a snack of an apple and smoothie.1120 and on the bus.At 11;40 I grabbed a cappuccino as I had time to spare and was rather cold.Irational thoughts creeping in.”Too much money spent” “do you need the extra calories”ERM nah I can spend my tips if I like and save my account.Erm what “calories” its just a drink.Dont be silly Ula you fortunate idiot.A new barista was actually so nice.She said she liked my scarf.I thought everyone was judging it as they walked around in their short sleeves. I reckon September is acceptable scarf weather. The barista said she wore hers too today.That simple nice comment made me feel less self conscious.
Started work at 12:00 and It was a pretty dead shift till about 1 when lunchtime hit and it got a bit bussier.Then it was dead again.Suddely it was 3pm and I realised I didn’t have lunch.Then I got told my break was at 4pm so I thought ok I shall wait until then.By 4pm I was hungrryyy and demolished a wrap spicy rice.Then I went to the shops to buy some bagels I kind of wanted something sweet but I don’t know restriction thoughts creeping again.In the end I got mini rolls.Reduced ofc.Thats propbably why.And munched two.”stupid Ula,too much Ula” Erm no please dear head shut up.So hurrying along to work.(Legit love my job don’t care what anyone says)
It was fairly busy.Had some good tables,some not so good.Then suddenly its 9:23pm and its less busy and I clock the hunger feeling.10pm I get sat a couple.The most bizzare customers ever.We also talked about naked yoga and scrabble.Best guest connect ever.Then at 10:30 I had free fries and a few spoons of rice.Then later plantain and a fried dumpling.Then a piece of muffin.Then guilt then worry then panic.please shut up ED this is a good day.This is a good shift.There is nothing you can do.Im eating so shut up.”so unhealthy ula,you don’t normaly have these fried foods…unless you don’t keep them down”Again shut up ED.
By the time 11 rolled around and tables paid up and cleaning duties done.It was time to cash out.My receipts were not adding out.The deputy manager who is a real G sorted it though with real patience.I thank him.Another waitress had such great patience and helpfulness too.Nice people.
Working makes it hard sometimes to structure meals but its not an excuse to not get enough.
By the time I leave its like 11:45.Ive been at work 12 hours.Say what?How?Fells so fast.So I get home in a hungry,non hungry state and eeeeeeaaaat.Banana,yogurt,roll with butter and ham,3 mini rolls,Full fat greek yogurt,2 bananas and almond butter and a drink of hot chocolate.Excessive,perhaps.Or maybe not.Is it really after such a long day?Guilt,fear,pannick.Purge?Ofcourse not.I think of the consequences,I think of my mum,I think of patients ,of a friend.No way.no chance.Did I eat unhealthy things?Yes.Its ok. I will be more prepared tomorrow to not leave such long gaps between eating.Am I full though?Satisfied but not sickly full so why purge?Not worth it.So now here I am writing this post.Distracted enough.
A decent day with more to come.