Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Wrong. I literally detest this saying. Words do hurt people and sometimes more than physical pain. Words have so much power.

I don’t know about you but I find its rather hard to remain calm and good natured.To be honest I’m in two minds about this. Surely if you do not respond you are letting someone walk all over you?On the other hand should you rise higher and be the bigger person?Is responding just feeding the fire?Should you turn the other cheek?Should you see it from the other persons point of view?But then is that excusing their behaviour?Is it emotional abuse ,Surely not,its just you being self pitifull and selfish.?Do you deserve what the other person said if you made a mistake?After all the other person is only human,you cant blame them for being angry.Right?

I won’t respond sometimes and just let the self hatred brew inside.

After all I am lucky, incredibly lucky to have a house to live in which I don’t pay for, food to eat so why the hell have an eating disorder? No reason. Literally no valid reason.

Why recover? Because its not fair on others to watch someone suffer from an ED.

You slip up, you make one mistake. Suddenly the good days before that are erased.

“you clearly don’t want to get better” “stupid girl”

“Why send that photo? You have wrinkles on your face, you look old and disgusting”

“Why torture us like that?” “You are stupid I can tell you that” “clown!”

“what makes you think you will make a good nurse?” “You should do another degree”

“you left the light switched on, go eat something and maybe your memory will not be so impaired”

But its just concern. I can understand it.I just wish you would realise I’m getting better for health and not to look a certain way. That it will take time before I stop looking disgusting. Nothing is a quick fix.And for that I apologise. But surely I shouldn’t have to wear a mask to hide any sadness or a literal mask to hide my face so you don’t have to see it.If I am more open with my recovery then I am being attention seeking and self pittying.If I try and hide it then I’m being secretive and you don’t believe I’m making progress.

You ask for reasons and I have none. Or maybe I have reasons but those come off as self pitying after all they are not reasons. What is a valid reason?

Maybe if I am good in all other aspects. Maybe if I got outstanding grades, cooked ,cleaned ,worked then somehow it would make living with me more bearable. Maybe if I cant fix this one aspect of my life straightaway I can try and fix other aspects. I wish you knew that Its a great desire for me to be a nurse and help others.

“If actually cared about others you wouldn’t do this” “Why are you starting all this again?”

“this”  meaning an eating disorder.Becuase apparently it’s a choice. Feels fantastic!(Sarcasm)

Yes recovery is a choice.I’ve chosen it.

In the rare rational conversation.”what help do you want from us”

Well getting rid of the bloody scales would be a start.

But no that’s too much to ask.

Yet when I have a bad day and step on them its an immediate sign I want to relapse.No.Just a hard day.Foods still going in though.Of course  you don’t belive.Don’t blame you.When you say I don’t want to get better and I try and explain that I honestly do but no one wants recovery 24/7.If a recovering alcoholic went out with friends and lost control and had a few too many drinks does that mean they are a stupid, worthless failure?No.Not in my eyes anyway.

“You haven’t even tried to get better”

I have actually just started treatment. I tried multiple times on my own but couldn’t do it’s surely seeking treatment is being pro active and responsible? “Why are you turning to strangers who will just analyse your childhood looking for excuses for you” “why not tell us first”

Well I would if you didn’t respond how you do.

You cant expect people to help you if you don’t tell them how.But what about when you do tell them but they tell you its your problem,your choice.What if friends feel more like family than your actual family.Maybe its because your family see the raw you,at your worst.Pretty sure close friends have seen that.But surely that means as a family you stand together through thick and thin?Or maybe it is unfair to expect that.But what if they only want to see you at thick. Whilst at thin you are a disgrace.

Maybe not all mind-sets can be changed.

Yes recovery is my choice but if you don’t want to support me at least don’t drag me down with your negative criticisms. Just because you cant see the weight gain straight away.

Literally so grateful for those who do help. I hope I can return it in some way.


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